THE PENLAN ESTATE OLYMPIC BID

The people of the Penlan Estate have made a late application to host the 2004 Olympics. However, there has been a request that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Tudno Place. Showers will be in full working order, as soon as the copper piping is returned, but arrangements have been made to use the Leisure Centre.

The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesman said that drugs will be available only from Jeffreys Court. Asked about urine samples, the spokesman said that " No-one takes the piss out of the local lads " and then offered the researcher "Outside".

The Olympic Flame will also be lit slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Golf GTi.

Proposals have been put forward for the following events :-

100 Metre Sprint : Athletes must complete the course on Penderry Road with a Video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres a police dog will be released in each lane.

Fencing : The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask, as in accordance with local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes, and car stereos in the shortest possible time.

Boxing : This event will be restricted to ‘Husband & Wife’ teams and the finals will be held in the Penlan Social Club on Saturday night. The husband must down at least 10 pints before encountering his wife, when she will announce one of the following :- a) There’s nothing for tea. b) The TV has been repossessed. c) Our Tracey’s up the stick. d) I’m up the stick. e)The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it’s yours.

Triple Jump : This event will revert to it’s own name of Hop, Skip & Jump and will be sponsored by H.M.Prison, Swansea. Medals will be awarded to competitors who will find the most ingenious ways of skipping bail.

Tug of War : Chains will be fixed to the concrete bollards at Conway Court and the winning team will be the one that can pull it out in the shortest time.

Equestrian Event : Horses, ponies, donkeys and other assorted nags can be collected from the ‘Racecourse’ and the medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

Shot Put : House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate glass windows, e.g. Chemist, Newsagent, District Housing Office or at any traffic on Conway Road.

Walking : Athletes must be accompanied by a Pitbull Terrier, Doberman, German Shepard or Whippet. (Ferrets in a push chair do not count)

Cycling : The committee are unanimous in their ruling that Tandems are for poofs. Most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have faulty brakes, no lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be mountain bikes and they must have spent at least two weeks in the River Tawe.

The committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage a major International Event and looks forward to the true spirit of the games flourishing in this little part of Wales.



They urge the I.O.C to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested saying :
IT’S NOT TAKING PART THAT COUNTS, IT’S THE TAKING APART.